Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I can call my mom a bitch but you can't

Well since Mr. Black has called me on my admitted laziness I felt it only necessary to jump on the next post. So the topic for today is about slander etiquette (yes apparently there are rules).

It seems that only certain people are allowed to say whatever they want, whenever they want about their family. But how do I know if I'm one of those people you might ask. It's simple. T.H.S.A. (The hypocrites Society of America) has recently published a short guide detailing the rules for proper slander etiquette.

Here follows a few of those rules:

1. It is unacceptable for the second party to acknowledge any fault, however reasonable, of the first party's mother without first hearing said fault expressly verbalized by the first party. In addition, agreement with the first party may be subject to hurt feelings depending on the time, day or mood.

2. It is acceptable to entertain thoughts of brutality involving the first party's sister as long as the fantasy is not made manifest vocally and is quickly dismissed as cruel.

3. The first party may at any given time express disapproval about any member of the first party's family and or friends so long as it is justified in their head. This however does not constitute a retort by the second party.

I think I'll stop there for now unless Mr. Black would like to share the rest.

As you can see that even though I'm clearly joking, there still remains an unsettling truth to that list. Why is this the case?

Why can you call your mom a bitch but I can't? This strange way of thinking even extends into other areas of which Mr. Black will delve into at a later time.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to add regarding this topic because I have solved this puzzle quite some time ago and it has worked for me flawlessly ever since. You see Mr. White, in situations like this I just use this card:
The beauty of this card is that in most instances, your significant other would like you to be honest with them. When you go off spouting colorful adjectives about his or her relative, then they think it's just an act of anger, when in truth you are being honest.

Another key feature of this card is that it is non verbal. You can easily slip this card to your partner and avoid the frequent misunderstandings of voice tone. Sometimes you may say something and seem like an asshole, but in fact you are just quite passionate about the subject.

And the final key as to why this is a successful mode of criticism communication is the last line which reminds your significant other that you are in fact saying these words with love and respect, so despite all of the imaginative words you filled in the above blanks, they'll be reminded of just how much you care about them and their feelings.

So there you have it. Stop dodging the intricate web of bullshit that is family and use this card, you won't regret it.

1 comment:

Dr. Squid said...

Wow that card is freakin awesome. If only I could really use it...unfortunately I would get divorce papers the first time I handed her the card.

Mr. Black must not be married, otherwise he would know that you should NEVER EVER be honest with your wife about things like this; you LIE YOUR ASS OFF. Every time. FTW.