Friday, August 22, 2008

Twinkle Twinkle What The Fuck?

Have you ever noticed how incredibly fucked up nursery rhymes are? No really, have you?

Here's an example:

"The King of Hearts called for the tarts.
And beat the knave full score.
The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts.
And vowed he'd steal no more".

What the fuck? I picture some fat fuck who just got his twinky ganked.

"Somebody's in for a real ass whoop'n if I don't get my fucking twinky back goddamn it......seriously I was all ready to eat my twinky and some cock nut took it".

Here's another one:

"Here we go round the mulberry bush
The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
So early in the morning".

What high ass mother fucker wakes up early and runs around a damn bush?

This is one I've never heard before:

"Red sky at night
Shepherds delight
Red sky in morning
Shepherds take warning".

Two shepherds walk out of their shepherd pads gazing at the red sky. Shepherd Ted looks to shepherd Bob with a knowing expression.

"Looks to me like we got ourselves a red sky shepherd Bob"

"Yep" Shepherd Bob replies with a grave tone as he cocks his shotgun. "It's about to get funky".

Here's one that inspires good feelings:

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
And so the poor dog had none".

Why do you write a depressing rhyme about a starving dog? Is it supposed to be used as an example when you are struggling financially?

"Sorry there's no food tonight son but just remember the little dog in Old mother Hubbard, he starved too".

Here's an old classic that makes perfect sense:

"Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on his pony
Stuck a feather in his hat
And called it macaroni".

Man this nursery rhyme shit isn't so hard. Let me try one.

"Jimmy Cockle went to town
Riding on his phallus
Stuck a pencil in his eye
And called it pasta salad".

Okay so phallus and salad don't rhyme but just remember this, fuck you.

Alright this is fun, on to the next one:

"Come lets to bed", says Sleepy Head
"Wait a while" says Slow
"Put on the pan" says Greedy Nan
"We'll eat before we go".

...........No comment.

This one deserves some serious consideration:

"Goosey, Goosey Gander
wither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my ladies chamber.

There I met and old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers
I took him by the left leg
And threw him down the stairs".




And last but not least my personal favorite:

"Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all".

Two questions..... Why is there a fucking baby in a tree and who the fuck put it there? Can you imagine walking under a tree one day only to have a fucking baby plop and your head?

Well that was great but I'm tired so...
... sleep tight and don't let the crazy fucks bite.

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