Monday, September 15, 2008

Best If Used Before 5/22/89: Part One

George Lucas has sat on the shelf for far too long and now his beard has begun to curdle.

If I were to travel back in time and tell you that Star Wars would one day become the laughing stock of the film industry I would be beaten to an inch of my life for blasphemy. And yet here we are in 2008 still digesting Lucas's latest meal of fried shit on a stick, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I'm not jumping on the "Lucas raped my childhood" wagon here but damn, I do find it harder to walk now.

This is a difficult post for me because there is so much to say about the man and I fear I might leave something out.

What really gets me is how arrogant Lucas has become over the years. He truly believes he's incapable of doing any wrong. Just look at what he has to say:

"the fans are all upset. They're always going to be upset. 'Why did he do it like this? And why didn't he do it like this?' They write their own movie, and then, if you don't do their movie, they get upset about it. So you just have to stand by for the bricks and the custard pies, because they're going to come flying your way."

And of course let not forget about this lovely statement:

"I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension".

“Indiana Jones only becomes complicated when you have another two people saying ‘I want it this way’ and ‘I want it that way’, whereas, when I first did Jones, I just said, ‘We’ll do it this way’ — and that was much easier. But now I have to accommodate everybody, because they are all big, successful guys, too, so it’s a little hard on a practical level.”

How does one of the greatest storytellers of all time end up a raging lunatic? Was he always this way? Given his past glories one wouldn't think so but there is evidence that suggests he wasn't quite the mastermind we remember.

I have to chime in here because this subject really pisses me off. First off, let me say that I thought Episodes I - III progressively got better. I consider Episode III a classic; I love watching it every time it is on HBO or my kid throws it in the DVD player. Every time I watch Episode I, however, I just get really fucking mad.

From the Lucas quote:

"They write their own movie, and then, if you don't do their movie, they get upset about it."

No. We aren't mad because you didn't make the movie that was in our heads. We are mad because the movie you DID make sucks ass. He figures that since the first three Star Wars movies were such a huge cultural phenomenon then he, by extension, is basically a fucking movie genius. He sees himself as a god of movies and the only thing that can match his skill in making movies is the size of his ego. Therefore, all of his ideas are perfect and excellent, and if the fans don't like it then its their fault because their expectations were too high.

Riiiiiight. It is my fault because I expected a halfway decent movie instead of this steaming pile of dog turd. Much cyber-talk has been wasted on the crappy-ass Episode I so I won't go into too much detail (e.g. Jar Jar and baby Anakin). Instead I'll skip ahead to Indy IV. I can just see Lucas in the writer's room:

"Ok, in this scene Indy is riding through the jungle in a chase scene with the Russians. Hmm....what can we do to make this more interesting....WAIT! I've got it! We'll have baby-Indy jump into the trees and start swinging like Tarzan! And the monkeys will join his army! And somehow they will all swing so fast that they catch up with the Jeeps and Baby-Indy and his Monkey Army will fight the Russians!!! George, you magnificent bastard, you've done it again!! The fans will love it! And if they don't, then screw them for wanting something halfway realistic!"

To sum up, Lucas is a fuckwad. It pains me to think of how good Indy IV could have been if Lucas had come down with a paralyzing fever and Spielberg did it all alone.

I'm beyond any form of dislike for Lucas at this time. I'm basically just numb. Any time anyone mentions anything Star Wars related, I don't care anymore. I have absolutely no interest in the Star Wars Universe. It's that bad.

The sad thing is, even if there is something good out there written or otherwise I don't even care. He has tainted everything remotely Star Wars related. Even when/if the original untouched trilogy comes out, I doubt I'll buy it. Oh and if you're interested in Lucas' latest "stroke of genius" go check out the Clone Wars film where Jabba has a gay cousin named Zero the Hutt who talks like Truman Capote as instructed by the one and only fat neck. Yeah.

On to Indiana Jones. Yeah the movie sucks. I don't care how any of you go on about it being "entertaining." Listen, that's not the point. While I find this movie to be a complete bore, you can't just go and make a film sequel twenty years later of an iconic franchise and merely go for "entertaining." I don't know why this movie doesn't get more flak. It is just as bad as what Lucas did to Star Wars, end of story. Pointless CGI, pointless characters, lame dialog (even for an Indy film), and cartoon-like events (the Marion Looney Tunes tree and water fall sequence).

So for anyone who stands up for this piece of shit, fuck you. I'm done.

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