Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

Well it's Halloween, my favorite day of the year so I thought I'd share a little Halloween story. No it's not a scary story unless of course you can relate to it.

It was second grade on the morning of Halloween just before school. I didn't have a costume to wear and my Mom didn't want me to be the only kid without one. So she gathered a bunch of old bed sheets and began tearing them up. I knew where this was going and protested more than a few times. But it was to no avail and I quickly found myself shrouded in 200 count white sheets. I felt dumb as fuck.

There are a few things that really made this a bad experience for me.

1. Mr. Black was in the same class.
2. I was late to class
3. I couldn't walk right.

So yea, Mrs Mason, our third grade teacher is in the middle of conducting class when all of a sudden...CLAMP, CLAMP, CLAMP, comes a sound from the ramp leading up to our bungalow. I imagine at that point the whole class was now looking out the front window as a stiff white turd walking like cripple with a rod up his ass entered the room.

There I stood at the door, bed sheet- bound with sunglasses and black converse all-stars and pissed as hell at my mom. If that wasn't bad enough we had P.E. that day. Yeah and guess what we were playing.....yeah that's right, Frisbee! How the fuck was I supposed to play fucking Frisbee with rigor mortis?

So we get outside and I end up with no partner and get stuck with the P.E. teacher. Now being that I couldn't really move I was a shitty catcher. Here comes the Frisbee straight at my mummy head and nails me dead in the fucking kisser. Well that was it man, I was done. With a bloody lip I gimped my way to the office to call home and insist I be able to leave. My mom must have felt bad because she agreed.

As I'm sitting outside the office in my cocoon of sheets and dripping blood on my high tops the fucking music teacher comes up to me dressed in a goddamn over sized bear costume. She see's I'm in a foul mood and trys to cheer me up by doing a ridiculous pantomime or some strange shit that more closely resembled Barney the dinosaur having a seizure. It was all I could do to keep myself from stomping that bitch into a gummy bear. But instead I just sat there humiliated, waiting for my mom to come and pick up her human tampon.

Well that's my Halloween story for you. Hope you guys have a more pleasant experience tonight. Happy Halloween.

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