The next time your wife or girlfriend calls you an asshole, fire back by calling them a cunt crevice. It will shut them the fuck up. Take it from me, I know.
It may seem like a good idea to tell your father-in-law that his wife is cheating on him but trust me, it's just the alcohol. Furthermore, it is really NOT a good idea to chat with grandma while on mushrooms. Trust me, I know.
If your going to prank call someone while you're drunk I would suggest not calling your recovering alcoholic aunt while pretending to be a Chinese liquor store owner named Wong. But that's just my advice.
You may think its funny to add a third 6 to the song Route 66 when DJing a church dance over the microphone but don't expect others to share your sense of humor.
Making a good first impression is NOT flooding your friends bathroom and getting caught by his parents trying to clean it wearing an giant sombrero. I can still see Brian's Jewish parents standing in the doorway, mouth agape at the retarded albino Mexican sopping up toilet water with a beach towel and hearing the words "what the hell'?
If you're going to pee on your sister then you better pay her ten bucks to shut the hell up about it because trust me, she'll tell. Sorry Judy.
Sometimes it's better to tell the truth. You'd be surprised at how many people don't believe you when you wreck their motorcycle and then try to blame it on a squirrel.
The next time you consider convincing someone to let you choke them out proclaiming it to be a cool euphoric experience, make sure they aren't prone to having seizures (how the fuck was I supposed to know?). Also, don't do it at school.
If you're going to be the voice-over to you're own porno using doughnuts at your first job, make sure there isn't a little girl waiting with her mom behind you. Good times.
And yes, I did all these things.